Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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