I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
