I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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