just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
