I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
