I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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