The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
