I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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