Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
