dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
