Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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