My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
