i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
