It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
