Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i drank out of a bidet.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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