dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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