i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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