So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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