K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
