Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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