I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
