Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I need to sanitize my soul.
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Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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