Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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