It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
