Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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