I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
