there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
