i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
