I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
