speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
