Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
