If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
did you just send me my own nude
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"