Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
