So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just gargled with NyQuil
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
