There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
