GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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