I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
