these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
