I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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