No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
