you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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