Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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