I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
