I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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