Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
