I accidentally had phone sex last night
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
