Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
