Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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