i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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