how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
