does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
