She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
