is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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