My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
