I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My life is pants optional.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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