i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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