I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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