he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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